mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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