he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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