actually, I'm a sock model
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
