i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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