How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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