Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
