using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
