I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
