Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
