the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
