i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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