I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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