woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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