everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
