You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
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I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
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