hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
