i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
