ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Boobs are out for the taking
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
