I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
What a dumb baby whore.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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