hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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