I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
