with your own penis?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
