You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
