she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Are we still banned from the library?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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