I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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