GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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