I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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