If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
