He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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