so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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