Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
