Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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