drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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