I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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