my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize