im six kinds of drunk right now
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
