when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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