If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
