Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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