Got a toothbrush?
I wish I only lived at night.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
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mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
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I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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