I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
