Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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