TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
