Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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