If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
