Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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