My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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