Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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