It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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