I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
