Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
