should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
