ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
