last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I love you. Go after that dick
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
