How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
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