dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I wish there were birth control emojis
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
