Jerry, you need to find god
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
